Thursday, September 8, 2011

"In My Life"

The portrait of a child who owns his parents.
Lately Baby Child 1.0's new thing has been really trying to emphasize the importance of what he has to say.  If you ask him something, he puts extreme exaggeration on certain parts of the sentence.  See:

Me: Child, I think we should go outside!
Child: No Mommy.  You think that you should go outside.

Then he struts (seriously, he struts) away and I'm sure he is doing the kid version of saying "ZING!" or "IN 'YO FACE!" or whatever it is people say/do when they "PWN" or conquer someone else.  Meanwhile, I'm standing there, speechless, wondering when my son turned into a cocky frat boy.  Sometimes in public he rationalizes with people who have no interest in getting their ass handed to them by a three year old.  See:

Lady at grocery store:  Are you done with that cart?
Child: You cannot have that cart because it is ours.
Lady: ...........


Friend: Come on Child of Mine, we've gotta go home now.
{My} Child: He cannot go home now because we're still playing.  Sorrrrry.

Most are taken back when this little professor-looking boy (or Drew Carey-looking, depending how you see it) has got that much sass.  For a while I thought, "Holy shit, where does he get this shit!?"

And then it hit me.  He gets it from the asshole who he spends every hour of the day with.  (Hint: that asshole is not you).  I find that my discipline style entails explaining things to him so that he knows the rationale behind the madness (see: avoiding "WHY").  So I'll tell him, "Child, we do not throw the cans of corn because someone can get hurt if they get hit" or "Child, you do not drink out of the dog's bowl because that shit is just gross." (Maybe that second one isn't verbatim...)  On the other hand, husband's style is more father-like and he'd say something like, "CHILD!  STOP THROWING THE BALL IN THE HOUSE" or "GET THESE LEGOS OUT OF MY SHOES!"  No rationale, just loud booming sounds that are almost as effective, but they don't yield the same hilarity results as they way I tend to handle things.

Today I approached said child with an empty packet of fruit snacks that I found in my shower.  I said, "Child, why were these in my shower?"  Appropriately, child responded, "I have never seen those fruit snacks in my life."

Riiiight.  And that Essential Michael Jackson cd you found in my car?  I've never seen that in my life.

Kids are weird.  But wanna know why?  Because we are fucking weird.

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