Saturday, June 2, 2012

An Agglomeration of Sorts

A real photo of the random shit I accumulate.  Nicor bill, nail file, computer software, baby clothes, birthday cards, the deed to our know, the usual.
If you've ever watched an episode of Hoarders (or similar) then you can probably summarize most of the episodes.  In fact, you probably can't talk about a specific episode without covering the details of another.

Oh, that crazy (insert man/woman) with all that shit?! The one that (insert that terrible experience or dark happening)?!  They are fucking crazy, man!  Can you believe they found a dead (insert animal) in that stuff?! That will never happen to me!

And you are probably right.  Unless you are me.  Then you are only half right.

I am the most imperfect combination of an extreme purger with hoarding tendencies.  My problem, well at least one of them, is time.  I don't have time to read the abundance of magazines that come in the mail, so they go into a pile.  I don't have time to coupon, but I'd like to, so the coupons from the paper go into their own pile.  See, I ran out of time when I was painting my nails so that's why the polish, top coat, and other accessories are in a different pile.  90% of the time one of the kids will need something while I am smack dab in the middle of something, and I'll have to run and take care of something else.  And 90% of the time, I'll start something else before I go back to that original task.  It's a vicious cycle of mess and chaos.  But you know what?  About a week of this goes by and I get batty and then throw everything in the garbage.  It's a toxic combination but the latter leaves me with a de-cluttered, clean house...and who doesn't love that?!

Today was one of those purging days.  I started with Baby 2.0's room.  I talked to myself like a real class-act, making jokes and laughing at them while three pairs of eyes stared blankly at me wondering what the hell was going on and why I was evicting five year old bath toys.  With one room done, I fiercely moved on to the bigger room, belonging to the boy who has more toys than anyone I've ever met.

I made a deal with said child.  I told him to find as many toys as he could that he doesn't play with anymore, and each toy will count as $1.00.  At the end of the process, however many toydollars he has, that is what he has to spend on ONE new super toy.  Child 1.0 was ecstatic until he realized that these toys were leaving forever.  I told him that the toys were going to kids who will play with them and treat them really nice.  Not working.  I told him that the toys were going to kids who has a mom that isn't fucking nuts and doesn't buy them something new every week might not have any toys.  Not working.  Finally I realized this wasn't going to work and I just started grabbing shit and asking him, "WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO KEEP!?!"  Obviously I raised my child right, because he responded with, "Both."  "Bitch."  Kidding on that last part.  For at least a few more years at least...

It quickly dawned on me that a four year old was not able to make such a decision.  All of these toys were appealing, especially considering that they'd been under the bed, in the back of the closet, etc. for the last two years.  They were practically new!  I decided to use my best judgement and exile these toys myself.  Whilst occupied by toys he actually plays with, I was able to stealthily bag up the old toys that I'm sure he won't even miss; that is, until he finds them.  And I'm pretty sure he forgot about the toydollars, so that's more money I have that will probably buy new toys anyway.

Now both of the kids have immaculate rooms.  For today.  Unfortunately it took five hours to clean/purge both rooms and all the while, the papers I had stacked on the record player blew all over the house because my stupid ass had the screen door wide open.  Tomorrow is another day.

Clean room.  I'm seriously timing how long this lasts.