Friday, September 9, 2011

Doctor's Orders to be Lazy as Shit

Self portrait between the hours of 1:00pm-3:30pm
I am not kidding when I say that this pregnancy has been 100% different than my glorious pregnancy with Child 1.0.  With him, I was sick as all hell for the first twelve or thirteen weeks, but it was clockwork.  I knew exactly what time I was going to be sick (6:40 a.m.), and once I puked, I'd go back to feeling perfectly freakin' fine.  I had lots of energy didn't even feel like there was a crazy ass little boy mooching off of my well-being.  My nails grew in long and luxurious and my hair grew in thick and full (even though in the beginning a lot of it fell out...).  Scroll down nearly four years later and you would think I am having Rosemary's Baby.  I am just about 23 weeks along now and I can't say with complete sincerity that my morning (aka AT ALL TIMES) sickness is gone.  My nails are frail and chip away if you look at them wrong.  My hair is dry and gross and seriously stopped growing.    My body is aching and everything hurts.  I had a small inkling early on that Baby 2.0 was of the female kind ONLY because shit was so different.  I have no freaking energy and I am either laughing hysterically watching the wind blow or crying to my dryer about being so fucking loud.  Gotta love hormones. 

The health aspect of my pregnancy with A was a lot different too.  Even though I was fat as hell, everything was going wonderfully and I was doing SO well that my doctor induced me six days early because I was SOOOO done being pregnant and he was afraid I would eat another Scandinavian orphan.  This time around, I am being closely watched for placenta previa.  The doctors caught it at my twenty week appointment and now my life consists of "taking it easy."  Placenta previa means that my placenta (see: the gross ass organ that nourishes the parasite in my womb) is covering my cervix (see: where the baby comes out).  What this means is that I have to go for ultrasounds every four weeks to see where that bad boy is located.  Right now I am considered to be partial previa, where only part of my placenta is covering the escape route.  It can go two ways from here.  Option 1: the placenta can get off it's lazy ass and move out of the way, bringing me to the status of marginal previa; where its just near the general vicinity of the escape route.  Option 2: the placenta gets off of it's lazy ass but covers the cervix completely, therefore making me forever pregnant.  Kidding about that last part.  I guess Option 3 is that is just stays partial.  Or Option 4 is that it completely moves where it is SUPPOSED to go...a girl can dream, right?  According to my OB, if Lazy Placenta, or LP as I like to call it, remains partial OR moves to complete previa, I'll be having a guaranteed cesarean.  If it moves to marginal, I have a better chance of NOT having a c-section, but it's not guaranteed.  It also appears that if my LP doesn't get a move on it, I'll be looking at bed rest towards the end of my pregnancy so that I don't go into preterm labor.  Although I am snarky as hell, it's a pretty spooky and dangerous thing to have so I have to be extremely careful with my activity.  Not only have I been sentenced to pelvic rest (which means that I will NOT be traveling to Pound Town for the remainder of my pregnancy...), I have orders from TWO doctors to rest as often as I can.  When A lays down for his afternoon nap, I literally kick back on my bed with a bag of whatever empty carbs I can find; or if I'm feeling fancy I'll sit on the recliner.  It's nice to have options.  I spend a lot of time with my feet up challenging strangers to games of Words with Friends.  There is no cause of placenta previa and no kind of preventative measures either, so as much as I hate my LP, there isn't much I can do or could have done. 

So if you are looking for me, check the couch.  If I'm not on the couch, follow the trail of crumbs to the bed.  If I'm not on the bed, I'm just getting another snack from the pantry and I'll BRB.

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