Friday, August 5, 2011

Unsolicited Advice or Why People Can't Just Shut the Hell Up

They should offer these in adult sizes...
People are so inclined to give their two cents whenever they possibly can.  It, among many things, makes me crazy.  I never noticed it until I was pregnant with baby 1.0, but I know for sure it existed.  I know that in certain situations, unsolicited advice is inevitable and mostly from people you don't mind hearing it from (see: family, people you wish weren't your family, doctors, the mirror).  I'm not talking about that kind.  I am referring to situations where perfect freaking strangers feel the need to tell you everything they know on the subject---mostly out of the blue.  It all goes back to that whole validation thing that people need to feel that they are doing things right.  Useless.  Unfortunately, social networking only empowers those who love to thrust their high almighty knowledge on others.  Towards the end of my pregnancy, when I looked nine years pregnant, I attended the local community college to finish my gen eds before venturing off to a different school.  This school hosted all walks of life, and ages in a classroom ranged from 19-118.  I had the mindset of just going there, getting my shit done, and getting the hell out.  Naturally, this attracted creepers like a magnet.  Women would plop down next to me and ramble on about their own kids, their pregnancies back in 1985, and all sorts of shit that I did not give a damn about.  Same situation in the part time job I had at a bank.  These high society bitches would come in and either make sure I knew what to do when my water broke (uhhh, go to the movies?) or remind me how young I looked to be having a baby (to which I responded, "Yeah, we start young in my family..." or "I'm actually 34, but thank you!").  Now don't get me wrong, of course I had questions and often sought information, but I DO MY OWN RESEARCH or I ASK MY MOM.  I would never, ever elicit life advice from strangers coming to deposit their checks; I don't give a shit how many kids they've had.  I love reading and learning new things, so I fully took on the challenge when it came to overcoming the chances of becoming a stereotypical "she-got-knocked-up-at-19" mom.  Once I made mommy friends that could tolerate me, I had a whole new, extremely awesome network to turn to.  Naturally though, the jabberjaws don't disappear once you have a kid.  They see you pushing a stroller and if you make the mistake of making eye contact, they abscond upon you with all kinds of "advice" for your babies "best interest."  I CALL BULLSHIT!  STFU!  Luckily, I have this great ability to make myself appear to be extremely irritable and lose-tempered, so it weeds a lot of them out.  But not all of them.  Unfortunately, some people just love the sound of their own voice, and no matter how enraged you appear to be, they'll still throw their bullshit advice at you.  This morning when I was dropping my dog off at the vet, this old bat who had to be older than dirt, appeared out of nowhere and started bitching about me having the training collar on him, and how I shouldn't have it on him in the car (really!??!!!!!), and how they can come off really easily if it's not a good one, etc. etc. etc.  I stopped what I was doing and gave her the death stare from hell.  I said nothing.  I just glared.  She made this bizarre sound and I thought she was going to drop dead, but she wobbled back off the her seat.  I turned back to the lady at the desk and smiled.  Towards the end of my visit, the nurse leaned over and whispered, "I hate it when people do that, you know..."  I leaned back over, not so quietly, and replied, "She's just mad because she had to wear one when she was building the ark." 

All in all, it won't go away.  I have the most hilarious wedding video because at some point the videographer went table-to-table and had guests record a message for us.  The divorcees are the best.  So spiteful.  So much "advice."  To those who are begininng to embark on cohabitation, marriage, children, life, or whatever, just prepare yourself (that's my unsolicited advice--hah).  And shape up your "mean face" so that you can get rid of some of them really fast.

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